Sometimes it just Hurts…

I’ve been pretty open about my struggles with depression and anxiety. Life has presented many challenges which have shaped my emotions. And there are multiple friends of mine who have gone through hell as well, and struggle with depression and anxiety.

One friend in particular though came into the shop recently to check on me - but shared with me her struggle of depressive bouts in the past few months. Her husband of 37 years, a rock and pillar in her life, passed away suddenly and unanticipated. A statement she made has stuck in my head, and that was “No one tells you how to maneuver through the loss of a loved one after death”.

That hit home. Hard.

My lovely friend was telling me that she had no idea how to handle the end of life tasks or how to do the family taxes, what things needed to be done when and how to lessen the loneliness at night. She literally had no idea what to do! And you know what, neither did my dad when my mom died. Neither did I. I was lost.

There may be books on grief and podcasts on how to hustle, but there is no real definitive handbook on how to handle day to day life and needed tasks to settle after-life affairs for the living. And, if I may, broaden this scope to encompass all forms of loss.

When my mother passed away, my daughter was only three months old. And I was crushed. My best friend, my confidant and my role model was gone. Just like that. When I needed her guidance the most. And I now know looking back in hindsight, I went mad. I went crazy with grief and no one around me knew it. No one knew what was happening to me and no one cared enough to help me. I had self destructive behaviors such as overeating and being combative. I was angry and I didn’t really know why. I continued to have two more wonderful children making three in total and they became my life. Then with divorce and the family dynamics changing, that brought on another level of depression to me, compounding my mental health sliding into an unhealthy level.

I was depressed. Deeply depressed and my struggling marriage collapsed. I would love to blame the failing of that marriage all on my ex husband. And he definitely had a large part in adding to my depression. But I also own my own contributions to the dissolution of our marriage. I needed help dealing with grief and post partum blues. I needed my mom to help me through the years of hormonal imbalances and how they were affecting my attitude and outlook in life.

Depression and grief messes with the mind and body. And it is insidious if left unchecked. Please, if you know anyone who suffers from depression, whether short term or long term, be gentle with them. I have heard that tough love was a great way to teach a lesson to someone who is acting out or in a relapse stage, but I have found that to be total bullshit.

DISCLAIMER: I am about to curse.

I am so emotional suddenly at just this one thought of tough love. I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t work. It only pushes that person away, and often times into worse and harsher behavior. Sometimes to death. I tried it and I deal with horrible guilt for not knowing any better. I should have listened to my intuition and poured love into the situation.

Like, WTF? Who in their right mind would imagine that cutting someone off if they won’t discontinue drug/alcohol abuse or other manifestations of trauma response and escapism? Now to the hard core people out there - shut your face right now with the whole “but what about this person who…”

GTFO here with your one in a million statistic story. Being harsh and using tough love is a great tactic if you want to be rid of that family member for life and never want to shoulder the burden that love places on our hearts when we love someone even at their worst. And if this is you, then you my dear, I hope that you are infused with such a blast of compassion and forgiveness that you stop this silliness now. If a plant struggles growing, you don’t throw it out. You change the soil. You give it plant food. You speak loving words to it to help it grow.

And for those of you who still have a heart, please stay here for just a bit longer. I have good news for you. The good news is this is a painful and heart wrenching experience, to either be a person suffering from depression and grief or to be the support to someone who does. This is an ass kicking life journey, often harder than we imagine we can bear at times. Your whole construct of what a happy life looks like shatters and you fumble around for solid ground.

It’s okay. It really is. To be broken is actually great, because you are real. You are infinite starlight having a physical experience. One that you agreed to and you are equipped for this.

Be reckless with your love. Keep firm boundaries of what you will and will not allow in your life. But spread that love to all of your loved ones with abandonment. Even when they hurt you, or if it is you who is hurting. Because love - LOVE is a gift from Heaven. It is free. It is easy and gentle. It does not keep a checklist of wrongs and rights.

Love is the purest form of energy, and it is healing and it is raw. And isn’t that what we all want? To be healed from our own trauma and feel better? We want our loved ones to be healed from their trauma. At times love looks like it has made you a door mat and at times love makes you look like an absolute fucking idiot. But love is the purest energy, remember. Which means it is a reciprocal energy that comes back to you as the place of origin. Love is never wrong.

I know I am going on a long tangent here - I’ll try to close this out soon.

*** If you are a support person for loved ones suffering from grief and loss, please accept my heart felt appreciation. Also, please be diligent in self-care so you can continue to provide healthy support to others. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Hugs***

• If you are suffering from depression and escapism, please accept my heartfelt love. I understand you and I see you. There is NOTHING wrong with you. I ask that you please reach out for help. Do not be ashamed to ask for help and do not hide your sorrow. We cannot help you if we do not know you need help. And when the time comes, please accept the help. Because you are so special and so loved, that a physical body was made for your starlight soul to dwell in. Hugs ***

I am not healed from the great losses I have endured in this life. I can now look at that statement without avoiding it. I feel great bouts of depression and grief often, sometimes multiple times a day. Now I allow those feelings to wash over me and through me. Like an ocean wave, I roll with it deep down in that dark abyss. And when I flow down, I know that the wave will bring me back up. I just need to allow the flow to happen. If I fight back against the wave of emotion, it only causes me to waste energy and I still go down into those heavy places. Now I honor that my spirit feels the feels and I release them. This may work for you as well, and I hope you try this.

Okay, well by now I am sure I drove home the point to not be the run-of-the-mill douchebag and “tough love” those in your family who need your love the most. Just don’t do it - because you just add to their trauma. And actually, yours as well.

Love with reckless abandon. And be part of the healing.

Seaora